I think it’s time to share a few pearls of wisdom.

I bitch and moan on this blog a lot, and I feel it’s high time I offered you readers something constructive.

So here are ways to improve your life.

1. Start taking your tea without sugar

I know this seems a bit inconsiderate, but let me explain.

I used to take two sugars in my tea.

Then I had a tea-maker in work who never even asked about sugars, he just gave you sugarless tea. So I drank it.

Soon I got used to it and now I couldn’t bear to have a single grain of sugar in my tea.

It doesn’t take long to get used to it, and you get a better taste of the glorious, life-giving tea.

If everyone stopped taking sugar, it would make the tea-making process so much easier. The problem with making tea for a group of people is remembering the orders.

Anyone for tea?”

“Oh yes please. Milk, no sugar”

“Grand.”

“Ooh me too. Milk and one and a half sugars.”

“Ah sure I’ll have one aswell. Milk, two sugars, some more milk, and stir clockwise please”

“40 grains of sugar in mine please, no more, no less”

EVERYONE FUCK OFF AND MAKE YOUR OWN FUCKING TEA SO.

If everyone could please just grow up, and take your tea with a drop of milk and no sugar, that’d be great. It’s one less thing to worry about in the tea process. When you’re out in a café somewhere having a cup of tea, you won’t have to worry about locating sugar. Your life will be better. And it’s healthier. I’m an unhealthy man, so if I can make a little healthy change in my life without much effort, I’m pleased.

If you currently take sugar in tea, I reckon having your next five cups of tea without any sugar will convert you. The first one will be strange and probably not too nice. But stick with it.

Additionally, if I’m going to make tea and I offer around if anyone else wants one, I really only expect a maximum of two people to say yes.

Carrying any more than three cups requires a tray of some kind.

So two people can say yes.

After that, the rest of the room should feel obliged to make up an obvious lie such as “Ah no, not just yet, might make one myself in a bit”

I guess I’m asking the world to make a collective effort when it comes to tea-rounds.

Let’s not be selfish.

There’s no ‘I’ in ‘tea’.

2. Road-crossing tips

If you’re waiting at pedestrian lights to cross a road, try and sneak a peek at the traffic lights that the cars are following.

In my experience there is a two second gap between the traffic lights turning red, and the pedestrian lights turning green.

So you watch the traffic lights, see them turn red, and saunter out onto the road amid gasps from other road-crossers.

Then they see the traffic stop and the pedestrian lights go green, and they’re all following you, probably a whole metre or two behind you, bowing down to your psychic ability and trying to give you blowjobs.

And you’re all like “Hey, stop trying to give me so many blowjobs all at once, I’ve got roads to cross!”

Another bit of advice is, if you’re struggling to cross a road without pedestrian lights, but that has several sources of traffic (ie. some traffic coming from one direction, more from around a corner etc), simply wait for someone more competent to come along and cross the road, and make sure you stand on the inside of them, such that if any cars were to come flying around a corner, they’d hit the other person first.

As you do this, think something funny to yourself like “Thank you as ever, my loyal human shield” and have a wry smile.

3. Adjusting eyebrows

Every so often, I feel the need to adjust my eyebrows. You know, just give them a little sweeping groom with my fingers, to make sure they’re in good shape.

I have noticed that you cannot adjust both eyebrows with the same hand. You must use your left hand to adjust your left eyebrow and right hand to adjust your right eyebrow.

Sure, you can break this rule and it might look fine. But it won’t feel fine. I can guarantee you that.

4. Keyboard shortcuts

Keyboard shortcuts not only make your life easier and your computing more efficient, but they can look impressive and baffling to people who don’t know many.

If you’re browsing the internet and see a link that isn’t clickable, highlight it and hold down CTRL and press C, T, V, in that order, and hit enter.

Copy, New Tab, Paste. I’m sure everyone knows these commands, but using them in that sequence all quick and slick is awesome.

Other shortcuts include:

Win Key + D = minimises all windows. Easy to remember this as it shows your desktop. ‘D’ for desktop.

Highlight text in a windows program and press SHIFT + F3. This toggles the text between upper and lower case. Sometimes you have to copy something and it’s all in capitals and you don’t want that.

If you have trouble remembering the shortcuts for Cut, Copy and Paste, just remember, CTRL + X for Cut, because the letter ‘X’ looks like an open scissors. ‘C’ for Copy, because ‘copy’ begins with a ‘C’ and doesn’t look like a scissors. And ‘V’ for Paste. You should just be able to remember that one without any magical methods.

CTRL + Click = Opens a link in a new tab.

CTRL + Z to undo. This works in internet browsers too, which is very handy as I’ve often accidentally deleted a whole paragraph of text when writing in forums etc.

Accidentally closed an internet tab? CTRL + SHIFT + T.

CTRL + W to close a tab. (These might just be for Google Chrome, but you should be using Google Chrome anyway)

ALT + F4 to close the window.

When browsing the internet, hit F6 to highlight the address bar, to save yourself clicking there to type in a new URL.

F3 to search a page. Works the same as CTRL + F.

I’ve also noticed that on my laptop (Which is Windows Vista, not sure if this’ll work on other OS), if I click (just once) on any desktop item, and then start typing the name of another folder/program that I want to find on the desktop, it will become selected after I’ve typed the first few letters. I usually have a fair amount of icons and folders on my desktop, so this is really handy if I’m having a stupid moment and can’t find the one I’m looking for.

5. Learn to deal with the ‘cold’

Lately I find myself getting more and more frustrated with people who announce that they’re cold, when there’s no way in hell they should be cold.

You’re out having a drink, sitting outside as a sunny day draws to a close. The sun starts to set. It’s no longer warm, but it isn’t cold either. Someone pipes up with “God it’s freezing, let’s go inside”.

It’s not fucking freezing.

It’s not cold.

It’s just less warm than it was earlier.

Slightly less warm.

Then you have to go inside. We’re inside all the time. If I have a chance to be outside and not get rained on, I wanted to take it.

These are the same people that close the windows on a bus.

Sometimes I’m on a horrible packed bus, and think to myself that the only good thing about the journey is that there’s a lovely little breeze coming in the window, caressing and cooling my handsome face.

I smile and think to myself how great life can be when something so simple and natural can make me happy.

Then some stupid fucking bint marches up and slams the window shut with this air of self-righteousness and a face like a smacked arse.

Then a minute later the overwhelming stuffiness on the bus is getting to you and you start to sweat a bit. Not proper sweat, but just enough that your face feels moist. Usually just above the upper lip.

Why do people think it’s better to be uncomfortably warm than uncomfortably cold?

The thing about being a little too warm is that it has physical impact.

You sweat.

Your face might get a bit flushed.

But being a bit cool?

Nothing wrong with that. Nothing happens. You feel clean and refreshed.

I think people mistake fresh air for cold air.

People are too used to being in horrible places that are too hot and stuffy. When they’re lucky enough to have a bit of fresh air hit them they automatically dub it “freezing” and do something annoying like say “brrr” or rub their hands together and blow on them.

So everyone should man the fuck up and try to appreciate being a bit cool now and again.

You’ll be a much less annoying person.

That’s my advice.

I’m thinking about becoming an Agony Uncle.

11 August 2011For The Lolz, Life etc., Ranting2 Comments

Maryland
8/22/2011

I found just what I was needed, and it was etenraitning!

Liz
9/3/2011

I think you’re a funny guy, and a way above average writer, but that short cut tutorial you just gave was the best thing you ever wrote on this blog. At home I have a Mac and at work, when I use a PC, I’m pretty sure I grow 10 extra fingers. Cheers.

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