I wrote this article for the last issue of The Spanner magazine, of which I was editor. If you didn’t manage to get a copy, you can read the magazine in full here, and here’s the Spanner homepage, where you’ll find the weekly ezine and other stuff ‘n’ all.

I was pleased to get both a Morrissey and a Peep Show quote in this.

Enjoy.

The Top 10 Things Bitches Love

Lads, we know how tough it is. You shave and shower, stick on your best shirt and head out to a club in the hope of meeting a lovely girl and getting a nice harmless shift. Alas, you go and you stand on your own, and you leave on your own, and you go home and you crywank.  Fear not. We’re here to tell you the things that women really want you to do. They may not even know that they love these things, but always remember, bitches be crazy, and here’s the top ten things they love.

10. Being treated like porn stars
Everyone knows that women love porn and find it really empowering. Women say that they want men to treat them like Disney princesses. Horseshit. They want you to slap them around and call them horrible names. Why else would they do it in porn films? You can do some research by watching films such as “Alice in Underpants” or “Shaving Ryan’s Privates”, along with any old porn fodder you can find online. Don’t bother with roses and chocolates. Tie a ribbon around your penis, grow a horrible little moustache, put on some sleazy music and watch the women flock to you.

9. Spitting
Sometimes a man just has too much saliva in his mouth. Etiquette and social convention would tell you to swallow this excess saliva. Fuck that shit. Bitches love it when you make a guttural noise in your throat and spit it out as messily as you possibly can. It shows that you’re manly and don’t care what others think of you, and also that your saliva glands are sufficiently active – which is a trait every woman wants in her man.

8. Talking about ex-girlfriends
We all have our past. Hopefully you have an interesting and fruitful history with women. Even if you haven’t, make it up. Women love a man with experience, so always remember to tell your current other half all about your previous girlfriends and exploits. Meaningless one night stands are important to throw in there too. Women also love passion, so be sure to describe how good those women all were, in great detail and with a voice full of lust and longing. She’ll be dripping.

7. Not making eye contact
Eye contact is a tricky subject. Some people encourage it, but as we all know, people like Coldplay and voted for the Nazis, so you can’t trust people. The safest way here is, when talking to a woman, just avoid eye contact altogether. This will show her how you have lots of other things on your mind and are a thinker. Women love intelligent men, and what better way to display your intelligence than by constantly drifting off, thinking about life and stuff? Get your coat son, you’ve pulled.

6. Wearing trousers down below your arse
Have you seen all those rap videos where the rappers are surrounded by beautiful women? You’ve probably wondered to yourself – how do those guys get all those women? It’s not because of the wealth, fame or talent. It’s because they all wear their trousers down really low, showing off their boxers shorts and arse. Get the arse out and enjoy drowning in a sea of clunge.

5. Flirting with other women
At a social event with your girl? Lots of other attractive women around? Women who are possibly better looking than your woman? Conditions are ripe to turn on your woman, so. Find the nearest good looking woman. Commence flirting with her in the most obvious way. Crack jokes, and laugh way too loudly at her jokes, loudly exclaiming that she’s the funniest girl you’ve ever met, and that she’s so pretty. Touch her body as much as you possibly can. Do all this as closely as possible to your woman. It works better if the girl you’re flirting with is related to your girlfriend. This way she’ll see how lucky she is to have you, and will be impressed by your social skills.

4. Unwillingness to compromise
If you’re going to get yourself a woman and hold onto her, you’ll need to be a strong character. Women need to know that their man can take care of himself and won’t let anyone mess with him. She needs to know she’ll have a big manly shoulder to cry on when she’s feeling sad, or on her period or some other girly bullshit. The best way to let her know this is by refusing to compromise on anything – even the most trivial matters. You’re the man. You pick the films – you’re watching Die Hard, not The fucking Notebook. You choose the restaurant. You choose the brand of ketchup for the house. You choose it all. She’ll have no choice but to love you.

3. Frugality
Above all else, women seek a man who can look after them and their future children. A massive part of this is managing your finances. So you’ll want to show your woman how clever you are with your money. The best way to do this will be by being thrifty and demonstrating financial care at all times. Don’t bother paying for her. Ever. If you can, get her to pay for you. Steal things – from the shop, from your friends, from the homeless – she’ll love your bad boy image.

2. Showing your over-enthusiasm immediately
Met a nice girl? Think she’s the one? Only ever spoken to her once or twice but are certain that she’s your future wife? Perfect! The best thing to do is lay your cards on the table and tell her exactly how you feel, and include every single detail. Let her know that you want to marry her, and that your mother will love her.  She’ll find it really romantic and reassuring if you tell her how many times you’ve fantasised about her and masturbated, and let her know exactly what you two got up to in your dirty little mind. Text her all the time. At least once every ten minutes. Don’t worry if she doesn’t reply, because she’s only playing hard to get. The more you text, the more she’ll want you.

1. Articles about what bitches love
Why do you think I’m writing this? So I can show it to bitches and watch them foam at the gash. Bring it on, girls.

19 June 2011For The Lolz2 Comments

blah
6/22/2011

another great tip is telling her when she looks bad. every woman likes constructive critisicm and she most likely wants to improve on herself. tell her when her skin is shit, when her ass looks big in those jeans and, MOST IMPORTANTLY, when she looks good point out people who look better then her. this way she has examples of what to aim for. bitches love examples.

Christian
12/29/2011

I gave that bitch an example, Bitches love examples.

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