Those random (violent) urges…

You know when you’re out somewhere, and for no reason whatsoever, you get a weird urge or impulse to do something weird and possibly violent. Like someone walking by you is talking on their phone or something, and they’re chattering away, all annoying and happy, and you just want to grab the phone off them and throw it as far as you can and then punch them in the face and storm off.

Anyone else get this sort of thing?

Example 1 : The other day I was on the bus, and sitting by the window. We were about a hundred yards from the bus stop, and I saw two women do that hilarious thing where they look at the bus, focus on it for a few seconds to see what bus it is, then their face drops as they realise it’s the bus they need, and they’re not quite at the bus stop. In this moment of panic you forget everything else in the world. All you can think about is getting that fucking bus. It’s all in slow motion as you run and flail your arms about in the hope that the bus driver will spot you and wait for you. Even though there’ll probably be another one coming in about five minutes, you run for that bus like it’s the last fucking bus out of a city that’s soon to be bombed.

So their faces dropped.

And they ran.

And they flailed.

And they seemingly screamed in what would have been a ridiculous attempt to verbally inform the driver of their intentions to get the bus.

They looked like they were going to beat us to the bus stop, and thus, be able to get the bus.

Then the urges came. The little malevolent man within me gave me the instructions and I had to fight with all my might to resist them. More than anything in the world I wanted to scream to the driver “WHATEVER YOU DO, DON’T STOP. I’LL GIVE YOU EVERY PENNY I HAVE IF YOU JUST KEEP DRIVING”.

I would have loved to have seen those women’s faces if the bus didn’t stop for them. Their epic sprint to the bus stop, making themselves tired, out of breath and foolish looking - For it all to be in vain? Oh how I’d have laughed!

But sadly, the bus stopped for them, they got on, and I sat quietly at the back, laughing on the inside at what could have been.

Example 2 : In town last weekend, outside a fur store, there were these lads protesting, all standing outside, holding signs. Police were nearby, keeping an eye on them. The protesters stood silently and looking angry. I went for a better look at their signs and they had images of the cruelty animals suffer so fur clothes can be made. A good cause for protest? Yes. An opportunity for hilarity? Darn tootin’!

I wanted, more than anything, to go buy a big extravagant fur hat and coat, put them on and casually walk up to the protesters with a look of innocent curiosity.

“Oh my, what’s all this commotion then gentlemen?”

Sadly, I merely walked on and shopped for shoes (But of course, the only fucking pair that I liked weren’t in stock in my size).

Example 3 : Shopping again. I just about to walk into a store, and a family of two parents and their little daughter were leaving. The father went through the door first, but as the mother and daughter (about 8 years old I’d say) were passing through the door, the alarm system went off. The embarrassment of this is horrible. Everyone looks around to see the thief and hopefully witness a bit of commotion. This time it was quite obvious that there was no stealing, and the girl and her mother looked utterly innocent and befuddled.

Then the urge came.

I just got this image in my head of me screaming and violently rugby-tackling the little girl. “I GOT HER! HERE SHE IS, THE THIEVING LITTLE COW!” Then as the security guards would come over looking horrified at what I’d done, I’ve give ‘em a little pat on the shoulder and say “No need to thank me” and take my leave, strutting heroically.

Needless to say, this did not happen.

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