Right. Remember this little ol’ post? About my beautiful, beloved old phone that sadly drew its last breath shortly before I went interrailing? Remember how I grieved and mourned, yet appreciated the grace and elegance my phone left with?

Course you do.

You printed it out and stuck it in your walsho scrapbook.

Well, obviously, I bought a new phone.

I went down to the local Xtra-Vision and asked for the cheapest Meteor phone. I figured in this day and age, all phones have to be good. Surely it’s difficult to get a shit phone nowadays?

Nope.

Not difficult at all apparently.

In fact, to get a shit phone, it seems all you must do is go down to the local Xtra-Vision, and ask for the cheapest Meteor phone.

It’s a Nokia something or other. It disgusts me so much that I don’t even want to know the full name of the thing. It’s like if I knew its full name I’d be giving it some sort of validation or dignity.

So why is it so shit?

1. When I threw in my old sim card and looked through the contacts, they were all fucked up. They all had like an “A/” in front. Also, anyone who I’d given a surname to, that surname came first. This doesn’t sound too bad at first, but I tend to add descriptions of people after their name.

For example, people I met in college, often go in as “XXXX (College)”. Some of these descriptions are actually really long, as I don’t trust myself to remember things, particularly when drunk – the most common time when new contacts are added to your phone.

So that took fucking ages to sort out.

2. This thing is so damn slow. I don’t understand how it can be so slow. It’s like a depressed pensioner of a phone. They must have made it slow intentionally, so people would get pissed off and buy a better phone.

When I hit “Reply” to a message, it takes ages to respond. So naturally I press the button again. Then, it goes and reacts to the two hits – immediately sending a blank message. Cue me going red with rage. This was especially annoying as it happened a lot when I was away in Europe, when texts cost a fucking bomb to send.

3. It doesn’t light up at the jabbing of any button. When it’s locked, you have to press the centre button to get it to light up. This wrecks my head. My old phone would light up when you hit any button. Some of you may ask why this is such a problem. Mainly, because when I’m just getting up and want to check my phone for messages, I used to just give it a little poke with a toe. I didn’t have to aim. All I had to do was ensure some part of my foot mashed the keypad, and it’d light up, telling me if I had new messages. Now I have to use some military precision to check.

And I’m fucked if I’m picking up my phone and using my hands. No way, no how.

You can fuck right off mate.

I’m not bending down unless I really have to.

4. The vibration is a load of wank. My old phone had a polite little vibration alert – three little buzzes.

This new phone comes barging in, swinging his arms and shouting around like a lout with SIX FUCKING BUZZES.

This means that when the phone’s in my pocket it takes longer to determine whether or not I’m just being texted, or I have to prepare my phone voice, because I’m being called.

Just plain arrogance. My old phone was all lovely, getting my attention with a quiet clearing of his throat and an “excuse me sir, but one believes a text has arrived on thine phone”.

This cunt waltzes up, rings the doorbell three times, pushes me out of the way while clutching a half empty can of Dutch Gold, scratches his balls while failing to notice his zip is undone, and declares ” ‘ERE MATE, YOU GORRA TEXT OR SUMMAT” before puking on himself and passing out on my couch.

4. This is a recent issue. Now, when I get a text, it’s showing up as arriving an hour before it actually arrived. The time on my phone is correct, but for some reason, when I get a text at 6.30, it says it arrived at 5.30. Often I go large periods without looking at my phone, so I apologised to someone today for taking so long to respond to a text, when really I’d been about five minutes.

So now it’s making a fool of me.

I trusted my old phone. If for some reason it didn’t send a text, I’d be grateful, and think there was probably a reason my phone refused to text. Just looking out for me. But this new guy, he’s out to get me.

There’s plenty of other little things. The last one I’ll mention is such a minor thing, but I just don’t understand why it’s there.

When texting, you press the # button to change to capitals. I often do this for comedic effect, with hilarious results. But for some reason, if you press the “delete” button if you make a mistake, it takes the caps off again. So I’m in the middle of doing a shouty text, I make a minor mistake (without doubt caused by the phone’s shitness), delete the mistake, continue with the shouty text, only hang on! It’s back to lowercase.

Why the fuck did they do this? What genius decided this would be a good idea?

I can only believe this abortion of a phone was designed by a complete idiot – but a lovable idiot. Nobody in Nokia had the heart to tell him it’s not a patch on the old 3210 model, let alone the stuff out these days. So they went and made it.

Piss off phone (you’ll notice I haven’t even named this one), you’re a bastard.

When I look at it I don’t think “that’s my phone” like I used to with the old one.

We just don’t have the chemistry.

More efficient technology has come out of my dog’s ass.

And I don’t even have a dog.

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10 August 2009 ‧ For The Lolz, Life etc. ‧ 10 Comments