My mother. My beloved Mother. I’ve mentioned her many times on here, and always said that I’d have to do a post specifically about her someday, and this is it.

I better do a little disclaimer first. She’d kill me if she ever found out about this post.

My mother has raised me very well. I grew up in a very happy household, and my mother is an intelligent, hard-working and loving woman, and I couldn’t ask for a better womb to have lounged around in for nine months.

However, she has her funny, not-so-intelligent moments. Everyone does. But there’s something about my Mam’s ones that just crack me up like nothing else.

1) Take Me Out

The family (parents, myself and sister) were sat in on a Saturday evening, eating a takeaway, and watching television.

We were watching Take Me Out. This is a show where about 30 women are standing around in front of a man who has to choose which one he wants to take out on a date. The women each have a sort of podium in front of them, which is lit up. If they don’t like the man before them, they can turn off the light in their podium. The odd time, all the women turn off their lights and the lad has nobody to take out on a date. It’s shit, but hilarious and irresistibly watchable.

It’s presented by Paddy McGuinness, the cheeky chappy with the strong Lancashire accent.

He has lots of phrases throughout the show, such as “If you’re not turned on, turn off!” and “No likey, no lighty!”

We’d been watching the show for a couple of weeks.

This particular night Paddy did his “And remember girls, no likey, no lighty!”

My mother made a frustrated noise and said “I never know what he’s saying there. Is it ‘No likey, no latte’?”

There was a brief shocked silence before we all laughed and told her what he was actually saying. She had no answer for why she thought he might be talking about a latte.

2) X-Factor

We were all watching X-Factor. Me and my family always watch this together.

The latest series allowed each judge to bring back one of their previously rejected contestants as a “Wildcard”.

One of the wildcards was performing, in the third week of the competition.

My mother turned to me and asked “He was one of the wildcats, wasn’t he?”

3) Christmas number one

We were sitting having Sunday dinner. Somehow the topic of Christmas Number 1′s comes up.

My mother says “What about that band who got it last year (2009 at the time) because of that internet thing? What were they called – Race Against The Moon, was it?”

Rage Against The Machine, Mam.

“Oh yeah.”

4) Black Eyed Peas

Again, we’re watching X Factor.

The guy from Black Eyed Peas is performing with Cher Lloyd.

Mam proudly declares to us that this man usually sings with The Wide-Eyed Peas.

5) Johnny Logan

My Dad received three tickets to The Late Late Show.

So my parents and my aunt went. Dressed up nicely and hoped for some free stuff to be given out to the audience.

There was some drinks reception before the show started. So the three of them are standing around drinking champagne or wine or something, and my mother spots Johnny Logan getting himself a drink.

Mam casually says to him “Howaya Johnny?”

He looks over at her and my aunt and says “Howaya girls?”

They giggled and their night was made.

6) Moz

I’m a big fan of The Smiths. The singer in The Smiths is Morrissey.

One day I’m playing The Smiths and my Mam walks in and goes “Is that The Morrisseys?”

Such a small error, but it just cracked me up.

7) Expletive

Once she was in a bad mood, to say the least, and there was no talking to her. One of those days.

She was cleaning the house frantically, because I’d just told her someone was coming over.

WHAT?

SOMEONE’S COMING OVER VERY BRIEFLY YOU SAY?

WHY DIDN’T YOU TELL ME THIS LAST WEEK? THE HOUSE IS LIKE A BOMB HIT IT.

IT’S A FUCKING PIG STY.

GET RID OF THE CLOTHES-HORSE.

HOW COULD YOU BRING A FRIEND OVER WHEN THE PLACE IS LOOKING LIKE THIS?

YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF.

YOU’RE A SCUMBAG.

HERE, GET RID OF YOUR SHOES. THEY SHOULD HAVE GONE IN THE BIN A LONG TIME AGO.

So me and my Dad tried to calm her down and reassure her that this manic cleaning was unnecessary and also quite frightening. When she does this, she tends to put things in silly places, and we can never find them again.

So we try to calm her down.

And this point she turned to us and said one of the greatest lines in parenting history.

“Shut the fuck up, you pair of fucking wankbags.”

I had never heard the term “wankbag” before, but it’s a good ‘un.

8 ) Super Mario

My parents said they were going for a walk. I asked if they’d be going through the village. They said they would, so I gave my Mam my bank card and pin code and asked if she’d get a mini bank statement from the ATM for me. No problem.

My Dad told me the rest of this story.

So my parents get to the ATM and my mother takes out a mini-statement for me. This shows your current balance and some of your most recent withdrawals and deposits.

She looks at the statement and gasps.

At this point I feel obliged to tell you that my parents know that I like to gamble a bit. Mainly just a few quid on football etc.

On the statement she sees a load of withdrawals, with “MARIO” next to them.

“WHO’S THIS MARIO FELLA? IT MUST BE GAMBLING. LOOK AT THIS, LOOK AT HOW MUCH HE’S GAMBLED WITH THIS MARIO FELLA. LOOK!”

My Dad takes the statement and sees, with his logical eyes, that it actually says “MAR 10″, and correctly deduced that because it was the month of March in the year 2010, the statement was not describing a load of gambling with a mafia boss called Mario, but merely a few withdrawals made during the month.

She has never lived this one down. Whenever we bring it up she turns to my Dad and says “You just couldn’t keep it to yourself could you?”

9) I scream for ice-cream

My sister had her boyfriend over for dinner once.

My mother cooked a lovely dinner and a nice evening was had by all.

After dinner she decides to impress and offer us dessert.

“Do you want some ice-cream? I’ve got a tub of Tom and Jerry’s in the freezer”

I much prefer Tom and Jerry to Ben and Jerry’s.

10) Phone difficulties

She once rang up Vodafone and berated the guy on the phone because she had tried topping up her phone credit, but it wasn’t working, and she “doesn’t have time for this messing around”.

After calming her down, the guy asks for her phone number. She gave it, and was soon politely informed that she wasn’t actually a Vodafone customer, but an O2 one.

Another phone-related one: When I was in primary school, I had a folder that I kept my sheets etc in. There was a sticker on the folder where you were to write your name and phone number on it. So I wrote these on. I’d written my house phone number, as we were too young to have mobile phones.

One female classmate sees the phone number and writes it down and threatens to ring me later.

I get frightened.

A phone call took place later on that day, as follows:

The phone rings. My mother answers.

“Hello?”

“Is Mark there?”

The girl was very young and her pronunciation left a lot to be desired.

My mother responded that “There’s no Mack here” and hung up the phone.

Didn’t even consider the possibility that she could have misheard the caller who was asking for me.

Thanks Mam.

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13 January 2011 ‧ For The Lolz, Life etc. ‧ 7 Comments