I walk into a lecture.

A big decision awaits. Where to sit?

Too near the back and you haven’t a hope of paying attention properly at all. Back in school the back row was for the bullies and sluts. Not so much in college, but you still have difficulty focusing back there. People honking on their crack pipes and ridin’ and all that. Too near the front and you’ll feel bad about whipping the phone out right in front of the lecturer. You’ll also be a NEEERRRRD.

I walk by, giving a weak smile at the person I’m friends with on facebook, but barely know in real life. How we came to be facebook friends is anyone’s guess.

Find a seat. Some friends come to sit beside me. They all take out laptops or notepads, so I better do the same.

The lecturer silences the room and begins speaking.

Ugh, reading straight from the slides. Why did I bother coming in? Could have gotten an extra hour of sleep, then got the shitting slides online.

Obviously I wouldn’t have actually bothered getting the slides online, but I could have.

“Today we’re going to discuss the performance of both consensus democracy systems and majoritarian systems. The main text you’ll need for reading this is…”

Snoooore. How much time has gone?

Five minutes. Jesus Christ, this one’s gonna drag.

I think I’ll crack my knuckles. Always feels good.

I wonder if it’s possible that I could try to crack my knuckles sometime, and accidentally break my fingers. What if my wrist felt stiff so I bent my hand back to crack the bones, and I broke my wrist bone? What if I broke it at a weird angle and it pierced a vein or something? Imagine my arm filling up with blood from the inside then. Ballooning up. Ugh. You’d have to get someone to call an ambulance, but then trying to explain to them what you’d done to yourself would be a difficult enough process. Nightmare.

“Ljiphart proposes that there are two kinds of democracy, these are the majoritarian and consensus models we’re analysing today.”

Ljiphart can propose to shut up and fuck off for all I care.

There’s that girl I always see on the bus. It’s weird we’ve never spoken.

She’s in some of my lectures like, and often on my bus. I know lots of people just from lectures. Why don’t I know her when she’s on my bus too?

She’s definitely seen me too.

Someday I hope she’s getting on the bus before me and hasn’t got enough money. The bus driver will be all like “you ain’t gettin’ on this bus with no money darling” and she’ll be all like “but I have to, I’ve got to get home for dinner and then check that really funny blog by that Walsho guy in case he’s written anything new”. The driver’ll be like “tough shit love, nothing free in this world but hardship”.

Then I’ll step forward and be all “Except the kindness of strangers” and pay her fare for her. She’ll be swooning and shit and I’ll give her a wink and say “An ass like that ain’t gotta pay on no bus hunnie” and she’ll grin mischievously and bring me upstairs to the back for a cheeky handjob. That’d be class.

“The majoritarian model is the belief that the government should be responsive to the interests of the majority.”

She’s reading right off the fucking slides. That exact sentence is there like, not just the keywords. There’s literally no point coming to this lecture anymore.

What if I had to get sick in this lecture? But I had three seconds before I actually had to puke.

I guess I could go in my schoolbag, but all my stuff’d get wrecked. I could puke in my laptop bag and try to get the laptop out first, which is possible, but risky. The floor is an option, but it’d stay there until the place is cleaned at night. I’d feel bad for the cleaners. And I’d just be sitting here after puking, with the puke still in front of me, stinking up the place. But walking off would be weird too. Vomiting on the floor, then standing up, grabbing my things and trying to slink out, with everyone looking at me. Where would I look as I was walking out? No, the floor is definitely not an option.

I could try to run out and do it in the bathroom, or the bin outside, but that’s seriously chancing it. The worst case scenario would be if I got stuck getting out of the row, and ended up puking on somebody else’s bag or something. I could end up doing what that lad in school did during a ceremony once – running for the door, not quite making it, putting my hand to my mouth to stop the sick coming out, failing, and having puke violently spray out from the holes between my fingers. That was awful. It was like he had five tiny mouths that were getting sick – the five separate spurts of sick.

Running out draws attention to yourself too. I guess if I stayed sitting and did it, it’s possible nobody would notice.

Why am I thinking about this? I don’t need to get sick. I should pay attention.

“Now, In the consensus model, the belief is that governments should respond to the needs of as many people as possible.”

That girl in front of me has been texting all through this lecture. She holds her phone right up to text, I can read everything she’s saying. She uses way too many exclamation marks. Sometimes she puts kisses at the end, other times she doesn’t. Wonder what she’d do if I leaned forward and was like “ooh, you sure you want to send that one? Seems a bit forward to me.”

Why has nobody texted me so far anyway? I should be getting texts.

I wish everyone would stop taking so many notes. Even the lads are doing it. This lecture’s a write-off for me, no point starting now.

Imagine I somehow became a dog. Like, my mind but in a dog’s body. Not a stray dog, but one who lives with a human family, and I have 24 hours to communicate to them that I have a human mind, or else I’ll forever be trapped in this canine body. If I make them understand that I’m a human in a dog’s body, I can go back to normal.

I couldn’t really write, as my dog paws would be too rubbish. I guess I could use my nose to type a message out on the computer.

I wonder if I’d still enjoy human food or would I want dog food? Maybe I’d like to continue being a dog so wouldn’t bother telling the family I’m really a human. It’s a fairly handy life, lounging around, sniffing stuff, humping legs and all that. Bit undignified, but the total lack of responsibility would be class.

I could go into school playgrounds and wreak havoc too. I’d probably win awards and stuff because my human mind would make me a really intelligent dog. But then what if other dogs beat me in some of the dog competitions, I couldn’t handle the shame of being beaten by an actual dog. I’d definitely want to be human again. Or else just a dog with a dog’s mind. That’d be pretty cool.

“This next section often appears on the exam, so take note.”

Shit. Better listen.

I really need to fucking listen.

I really want to too.

I want to listen.

I’LL TELL YA WHAT I WANT, WHAT I REALLY REALLY WANT.

SO TELL ME WHAT YOU WANT, WHAT YOU REALLY REALLY WANT.

I WANNA-AH, I WANNA-AH, I WANNA-AH, I WANNA-AH, I WANNA REALLY REALLY REALLY WANNA ZIGAZIG-AAAH.

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11 April 2010 ‧ For The Lolz ‧ 1 Comment