Ladies’ Man

So there I am in a nice little accounting tutorial. Lurking at the back hoping not to be asked anything.

My phone vibrates.

A text, from an unknown number.

This always fills me with fear.

Unknown number: “Hi can yhoo ring me…!!”

The spelling of “you” along with three dots and two exclamation marks was enough to tell me that this person was no friend of mine.

I replied: “Just in a tutorial now, who is this?“

Unknown Number: “Is dis owen….!!!“

They then rang me, just moments after sending that text. I finally got out of the tutorial and rang them and said “Hey, this isn’t Owen, you must have the wrong number”. There was a massive long pause, and then a “Oh right bye”. It was very abrupt and unapologetic. A female voice. So unknown number now becomes unknown girl.

I begin walking to lunch. It’s now that I’m going to start including the time of receiving texts.

Unknown Girl (14.05): “Who is dis….!“

I’ve just fucking rang to tell her I’m not the person she wants. Leave me alone.

I was going to lunch with friends so didn’t reply. Then I receive a text from a DIFFERENT unknown number.

Unknown girl #2 (14.22pm): “Whos dis.?”

What the fuck is with these people using full stops along with question marks?

Unknown girl #1 (14.23): “by da way who’s dis… !x”

I’m under siege from texts from unknown numbers. I’d have felt very threatened if it weren’t for that affectionate little kiss at the end. Bear in mind I’m telling you every text that I received and sent. So unknown girl #1 has now sent me two different texts in a row asking me who I am, and presumably gotten a friend to send me one too.

I reply to Unknown Girl #2 (at 14.26): “My name is Mark. Who’s this?“

Unknown Girl #2 (14.27 - honestly, they text so quickly these kids): “Aine..How old r u.?“

STOP DOING FULL STOPS BEFORE QUESTION MARKS!

Despite now knowing her name, I’m still going to call her Unknown Girl #2.

I’m in the process of replying to the eager beaver that is Unknown Girl #1, when she texts me AGAIN.

Unknown Girl #1 (14.28) “Hey by da way who’s dis… !”

That’s the same text as her last one, except she has chosen to remove the kiss at the end. What have I done to deserve this cold shoulder? Is she mad because I replied to her mate first? Have I ruined this beautiful relationship?

Although she’s clearly quite keen - three texts in a row without response. Must have loved my voice on the phone.

Reply to Unknown Girl #1 (14.32): “I’m Mark. Who’s this? Do you have my number by accident?“

Reply to Unknown Girl #2 (14.34): “19. Do you have my number by accident?“

Unknown Girl #2 (14.36): “Im 13..Yup mi friend had it and thot it was her dad nd wen she found out it wasnt i txt it to find out 4 her..“

Unknown Girl #1  (14.37): “Yaa i am 13..!!! I thot yhoo were my dad…x hahahaha…!!“

Another kiss in there for me.

So there you have it. They “thot” I was a Dad of theirs.

Naturally I’ve asked them both on a date. You may be thinking “But Mark, they’re only 13.”

Well more fool you.

Combine them and you’ve got yourself a sexy 26 year old.

Get in there.

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