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This is a disgusting and embarrassing story.

I went to lunch in Captain America’s with a friend last week. Being the hungry bastard that I am, I order the New Yorker burger. This is a savage of a burger. With a fried egg in it too. Really filling.

The food arrives fairly quickly. Good old Captain America’s, good food, but also fast food.

My burger looks delicious, One of those burgers that you really have to stretch your mouth to bite into. I happily did this.

I took my first bite and felt an explosion in my nose. What the fuck? Have I just burst a blood vessel or something?

No. The reality was much, much worse.

I soon discovered that when I took the first bite, I grazed the middle, yolky bit of the egg. This then swelled and exploded - directly up my right nostril. You couldn’t write this shit.

I grabbed the napkin and desperately tried to clean the ridiculous mess up. I’m thinking “Do I tell my mate what’d just happened or try to hide it from him?” I had to tell him, there was no point trying to hide such a hilarious (yet terribly embarrassing and disgusting) incident.

“The egg just exploded into my nose”

“Wha’?”

He looks up and sees me with my napkin and comprehends. He erupts into laughter.

After about a minute of desperate wiping and cleaning,

“Do I look alright?”

“Yeah you’re grand”

“Sure?”

“Yep”.

I finished my meal, but I could not longer enjoy it. Eating in fear of a chip exploding grease into my eye or a rogue ketchup bottle squirting into my ear.

I wonder if anyone saw that happen. I know that feckin’ girl in the booth over there. She’s in my maths lecture. Fuck’s sake.

I kept wondering how on earth it actually happened. If you saw that in a TV show or something, you’d probably think it was a bit unrealistic.

I still had to go to the bathroom afterwards to ensure there was no encrusted egg yolk on my face or up my nose.

In situations like this you’re never sure to trust friends or not. They might tell you you look grand when you actually don’t, for two reasons :

1) To save you worrying and being all annoying over nothing.

2) To laugh at you walking around with stuff on your face like a clown.

So there you go.

I am a buffon and should only ever be allowed eat through a straw.

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