Always nice to get a few things off your chest, eh?

Cathartic, they say.

That’s what I’m going for with this here blog post.

It remains to be seen if I shall entitle all future blog posts after Usher songs, but if it doesn’t work out that way, it sure as shit won’t be for lack of trying.

Below are five embarrassing, and somewhat personal, confessions for you. And I won’t listen to anyone who tells me that the internet was invented for the sharing of embarrassing, personal confessions.

1. Mental Disability

There’s a little part of my brain that fears I may have some sort of severe mental disability.

The only reason for this fear is that I have no way to guarantee otherwise. There’s still reasonable doubt.

I’ve seen 12 Angry Men, and if you have too, you’ll understand how important even a shred of reasonable doubt is.

For all I know, I was born with some brain defect.

My parents decided when I was very young that they wouldn’t tell me about it, and instead let me go on living my life in blissful ignorance. And why would they tell me? It’s not going to do any good, is it?

You made the right call, parents.

Women I’ve been with in the past only got involved with me out of sympathy and pity.

My moderate academic success only came because all my exams and projects and everything were graded by someone who had my mental affliction in mind.

“Ah God, it’s that Walsho fella. I’ll give him a decent grade, the poor sod.”

You’re only reading this blog because someone told you that there’s some guy on the internet who’s not the full shilling, and he likes to try to be funny on his blog. It’s called “Walsho”. Who in their right mind would name it that? Someone who’s a few sandwiches short of a picnic, that’s who.

And I only have my job because they needed to fill some sort of equality quota.

To make matters worse, I’m also fairly certain that my dull little mentally handicapped life is streamed worldwide 24/7 to a secret audience.

I’m onto you, world.

 

2. Wedding Woes

I’ve been to one wedding in my entire life, and that was about ten years ago.

It doesn’t look like I’m getting married anytime soon, and I can say the same for most, if not all, of my close friends (Well, I call them ‘friends’, but we all know they’re actors in my own little Truman Show).

And despite all of the above, at least once a week I get into a panic about having to deliver a Best Man speech.

Sometimes I try to think about funny opening lines and get annoyed at myself for being too cheesy.

I try to think about anecdotes that’ll get a laugh but won’t be too bad for my mate’s bride to hear.

Fucking hell, it’s a nightmare.

Will I hold the speech in my hand or try to memorise it?

What if I get too drunk and RUIN THE WHOLE WEDDING?

Oh god, I’ll have to buy them some big gift to make up for it.

Jesus, as if the wedding wasn’t expensive enough to go to, in that posh fucking hotel. Why the fuck did I have to spend so much on a new tie just for the wedding? 

Eventually I regain my grip on reality and simply pray that nobody will ever like me enough to want me to be their Best Man.

I also worry about my own wedding. The part I worry about is having to do the first dance with my new wife.

I’m not sure if that’s still done these days, but I’m dreading it.

There’s two reasons I end up dancing in nightclubs. The first is that I’m drunk. The second is that I tell myself that everyone is drunk and dancing, so nobody is going to be looking at me trying to emulate Ricky Martin.

But at the wedding, when you’re the groom, you have to go dance with your new wife, JUST THE TWO OF YOU, WITH EVERYONE WATCHING.

What an awful tradition.

Why can’t we just be tarred and feathered instead?

Reckon the whole ‘Big Fish, Small Fish, Cardboard Box’ routine could still work?

 

3. Overheating Laptop

A couple of years ago, I had a laptop that was prone to overheating.

I spent a lot of time on this overheating laptop.

One day I was using this overheating laptop, on my lap.

So to clarify, the laptop, which was prone to overheating, was on top of my lap.

As the old saying goes, if you play with overheating laptops, you’re gonna get burned.

The next day I felt a strange discomfort in the area that I can only describe as genital.

Nothing serious by any stretch, but enough to make me want to Google around to see if anyone else had been foolish enough to let it happen to them.

I opened up a new tab in my internet browser, and searched possibly my most embarrassing ever search. I remember exactly how I typed it, because immediately afterwards I looked at what I had just typed and let out a shameful sigh at how my life had brought me to this point.

“Laptop burn penis”.

Laptop.

Burn.

Penis.

If you’re wondering, which you obviously are, the main result was a story about a Swedish guy who had done similar to myself, but to a far worse extent, needing medical attention. The story was one of those “Look at this idiot!” kind of ones, so it did little to comfort me.

The following day everything was grand again, and I’ve since developed a new appreciation for desks.

But there you have it. A classic case of the old Laptop Burn Penis.

Oh yes, I’ve seen this one before, you’ve got yourself a mild dose of Laptopburnpenis.

Don’t worry though, it’s treatable. Simply apply this tube of Notbeingafuckingmoron, and you’ll be right as rain. 

Now, on your way, I’ve got a patient coming in who tells me he’s got a case of Accidentallysatontesticles.

 

4. YouTube Shame

What a wonderful resource YouTube is.

Some people use it to watch and share funny videos.

Some use it to listen to music.

Some use it to learn about new things.

The more time goes on, the more I think my primary use of YouTube is watching videos of people squeezing enormous cysts that have somehow grown on their bodies, and watching all the contents of these truly disgusting things pour out.

Stumbling across one video leads to far too many others.

And they all have such irresistible titles, such as “WORLD’S BIGGEST CYST REMOVAL” or “GIANT ZIT POPPED!” and I have no choice but to watch and feel simultaneously disgusted and excited.

Sometimes I actually feel jealous of the people in these videos, and hope that someday I’ll wake up with a giant cyst that I can attack and put on YouTube. Preferably somewhere not all that important, or publicly visible. My leg, perhaps.

Don’t judge.

A man is entitled to his dream.

Martin Luther King had his, and I have mine.

And who’s to say which is more valid?

 

5.  Secret Code

I like to keep a ‘To Do’ list these days. It’s on an app on my phone. I actually have a few different ones – one for work, a personal one, movies to watch, etc.

On my personal one, I sometimes have an entry of “ *lol* “.

This is actually a secret code, just in case anyone were to sneak a peek at my To Do list. A passing friend, perhaps, or someone lurking behind me on public transport. I know well that if I saw someone checking their To Do list, I’d be trying to get a look at what their life is like.

The burden of secrecy has gotten too much for me, and I feel that I’m ready to reveal the meaning behind this uncrackable encryption.

The real meaning of *lol* is…

Trim pubic hair.

THERE, I SAID IT.

Now get out of here, you vultures, constantly asking me about my secret To Do list codes.

You’ve got your story.



Remember to follow me on Twitter and Like the Facebook page.

10 May 2013For The Lolz, Life etc.1,020 Comments

Lotthar Matthaus
9/28/2016

You’re a very valuable site; could not make it without ya!
Lotthar Matthaus http://blassenweb.net/modules.php?name=Your_Account&op=userinfo&username=AlisonParr

Ronaldo
9/28/2016

Thanks intended for offering such fantastic written content
Ronaldo http://www.zizhu111.com/comment/html/index.php?page=1&id=10199

Joe Cole
9/28/2016

What’s up, great web page you’ve got in here
Joe Cole http://www.game-baby.net/profile/venusfurnea

Although the mother was not serious about it, when she was hugging her husband, Stacy looked confused and her cheeks turned red immediately as if she was going to cry. There were 425 member clubs; now there are 1,100. Your bridal party should be focusing on you right before the ceremony begins. You must visualize perfection in your mind’s eye in order to achieve perfection. Smoking is perhaps the most potent cause of circulatory problems. You would want to avoid the formation of a high quantity

Mickey’s background includes a wide range of interests and accomplishments among which are newspaper syndication, hosting a national sports talk show, being a feature editor for a number of publications … print and Internet such as iGaming, MEI and GBGC, writing on a myriad of topics ranging from telecommunications to travel, responding to requests as panelist, moderator and chair-person at seminars, conventions, trade shows and conferences. Bru up your audition skills and you could

Zumba is a Latin rhythm physical fitness with dance workouts. All the sleep does not however need to occur during night.If you’re pregnant when shopping for your dress, be aware that you’re pregnant. Many people said I was a prodigy.You must set goals. Like I said earlier, you need to have loads of skills.A plane is off course most of the time, the pilot, Wholesale Jerseys , Wholesale Jerseys Cheap , time and time again still arrives at his her exact destination. Wholesale Nike NFL J

The foxtrot is still the most current ballroom dance of all. If you have time and interest, you will find a great Wholesale Jerseys wildlife sanctuary located near your apartment rental in Faro, called the Ria Formosa Lagoon. At present, its not possible to differentiate in between Cheap NFL Jerseys them by mammography.Video talk rooms have won of all shapes, ethnicities, intimate persuasion, plus sizes. Challenging both their minds and bodies in this serious art form, those who foremost in danc

Author Resource:-McAfee promo code help you preserve a good deal of money on McAfee. As the Trojan horse viruses are concealed inside of the application downloads your self can not seriously forecast the existence of Trojan. Can the software package examine the sites former in the direction of your going to them, and can it establish chance in opposition to prompt messaging? Although the virus is there for prolonged year, the Computer will function Really slowly and gradually. I’m sure you’ve co

In one of the large store departments in New York more than 10,000 ballpoint pens were sold during a lunch on October, 29 1945. bird feathers have been widely used by many civilizations. Although some people still do not buy into alternative or ?ethnic? medicine and therapies, many people do, and it?s not just individuals.Han pensado ustedes, Doctor Sabbagh, Directivos de la Cl?nica Reina Sof?a y de Cols?nitas, en los efectos psicol?gicos que, despues de lo acontecido, afectan a mi esposa ?Han p

You can find good, informative internet marketing courses for under $50. Then, merely use “spinner software” like Article Marketing Robot to assist Cheap Jerseys Free Shipping automate Cheap Jerseys From China your article distribution and promotional efforts. Once it stops it Cheap NHL Jerseys is gone forever.Author’s Resource BoxJoe Duffy is CEO of the OffshoreInsiders.My company will give me a nice retirement package︹�?Readers of my blog are young. Then pair them wit

A Home Quiz for you:Have you heard any of these sayings before?Home is where the heart is.In 2008, approximately 184,450 patients were estimated to be diagnosed with invasive breast cancer, and an estimated 40,930 were estimated to die of this disease.Even if youe just a messenger. If you want to know more about homeschooling, click at In fact, if you focus on camera settings as the Cheap Jerseys From China way to take portraits, you will be disappointed. I wasn?t angry at the coach.Meeting the

You can find good, informative internet marketing courses for under $50. The world must look and see Cheap NFL Jerseys what kind of Wholesale Jerseys democracy Israel is when one speaks out the truth Network. In fact you will know the technical secrets to stunning portraiture. Have you ever noticed on some days the light looks a little bluer than other times? And have you ever noticed that at around dusk the light looks orange and yellow? This is commonly known as temperature, or hue. Let the pl

Go attempt on sleeveless and lengthy sleeve, straight and smooth or massive and full, Cheap Jerseys From China , ivory and white, Cheap China Jerseys , brief, lengthy, with trains and without having. That’s a 10000 miles view of the cloud computing concept. Second, the interest, even for unsubsidized loans can be reasonable and your student loans do not have to be paid back till after you graduate.Vegetables and fruits are packed with vitamins, antioxidants, and minerals on top of being lo

Tina, a sophomore at UCLA confides, I used to take uppers to stay up all night to study. Wholesale Jerseys Free Shipping . Their intent is towards interact our consideration in just a direction that appeals towards our demands, and inside an unoffensive, shopper pleasant trend. Expecting they are going to make it. Shoes should be broken in and comfortable. Controlling your stress level and managing any detrimental stress is a process you must learn since an imbalance here can impede the brains p

I’ll use them till there’s rips on the concludes. Antioxidants benefit you in many ways including lowering the amount of damaged or dieing cells in your body. I’ll use them till there’s rips on the concludes. Wholesale Jerseys China . The people I work with and work for, the members are uppermost in their mind. Once your muscles become adept at doing the mechanics the correct way, your motions will naturally become very fluid. Though 90% of people who choose to join a MLM

Of course, to have a good theoretical fundament is not enough without some personalized solutions on your particular situation from authorized experts. A production run of 209 South African 745i was built from 1984 to 1986: 192 were built with automatic gearbox and 17 with 5-speed manual gearbox. La tuve yo ?. They were the first BMWs fitted with service interval indicators, a ‘check control’ that alerted the driver to various system faults, and complex climate Cheap NFL Jerseys cont

Nice. Thank you for your post!

freespace. Do like to work in teams, or solo? To grab drinks after work, or go stray home? Then it’s time to find out who offers that specific environment.However they have reduced that feature.Get these flyers on as many bulletin boards in your area as possible. Before I helpful to play matches, whenever I was previously stuck from a traffic jam, I would certainly just pout, shrug and show up to the sky, because if a power bridge would fallen for me in Cheap Jerseys From China order to complete

There were nine championship events; now there are 24.Keep your receipt or bit of an challenging of purchase, Wholesale Jerseys Free Shipping , just in case something goes unfaithful under the keyboard one should ask for a reimburse or substitution from burn underneath the workout frame. If your calorie consumption is at your maintenance level without exercise, Cheap NFL Jerseys , and you lose calories by exercising, you can be fit in very little time. This is simply because the demand seems to

Counting calories is something that’s highly recommended if you wish to get fit. While watching the cartoon her mother managed to give her a bit of mineral water and she was not rejecting it although when she tried to do it downstairs Stacy said she did not want any. 2nd, Cheap Jerseys , there's a level of confidence that goes with beginning college just after high school that you do not necessarily have. For family members and members of the bridal party, give them information about

Add yours