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I spent a lot of time on this overheating laptop.

One day I was using this overheating laptop, on my lap.

So to clarify, the laptop, which was prone to overheating, was on top of my lap.

As the old saying goes, if you play with overheating laptops, you’re gonna get burned.

The next day I felt a strange discomfort in the area that I can only describe as genital.

Nothing serious by any stretch, but enough to make me want to Google around to see if anyone else had been foolish enough to let it happen to them.

I opened up a new tab in my internet browser, and searched possibly my most embarrassing ever search. I remember exactly how I typed it, because immediately afterwards I looked at what I had just typed and let out a shameful sigh at how my life had brought me to this point.

“Laptop burn penis”.

Laptop.

Burn.

Penis.

If you’re wondering, which you obviously are, the main result was a story about a Swedish guy who had done similar to myself, but to a far worse extent, needing medical attention. The story was one of those “Look at this idiot!” kind of ones, so it did little to comfort me.

The following day everything was grand again, and I’ve since developed a new appreciation for desks.

But there you have it. A classic case of the old Laptop Burn Penis.

Oh yes, I’ve seen this one before, you’ve got yourself a mild dose of Laptopburnpenis.

Don’t worry though, it’s treatable. Simply apply this tube of Notbeingafuckingmoron, and you’ll be right as rain. 

Now, on your way, I’ve got a patient coming in who tells me he’s got a case of Accidentallysatontesticles.

 

4. YouTube Shame

What a wonderful resource YouTube is.

Some people use it to watch and share funny videos.

Some use it to listen to music.

Some use it to learn about new things.

The more time goes on, the more I think my primary use of YouTube is watching videos of people squeezing enormous cysts that have somehow grown on their bodies, and watching all the contents of these truly disgusting things pour out.

Stumbling across one video leads to far too many others.

And they all have such irresistible titles, such as “WORLD’S BIGGEST CYST REMOVAL” or “GIANT ZIT POPPED!” and I have no choice but to watch and feel simultaneously disgusted and excited.

Sometimes I actually feel jealous of the people in these videos, and hope that someday I’ll wake up with a giant cyst that I can attack and put on YouTube. Preferably somewhere not all that important, or publicly visible. My leg, perhaps.

Don’t judge.

A man is entitled to his dream.

Martin Luther King had his, and I have mine.

And who’s to say which is more valid?

 

5.  Secret Code

I like to keep a ‘To Do’ list these days. It’s on an app on my phone. I actually have a few different ones – one for work, a personal one, movies to watch, etc.

On my personal one, I sometimes have an entry of “ *lol* “.

This is actually a secret code, just in case anyone were to sneak a peek at my To Do list. A passing friend, perhaps, or someone lurking behind me on public transport. I know well that if I saw someone checking their To Do list, I’d be trying to get a look at what their life is like.

The burden of secrecy has gotten too much for me, and I feel that I’m ready to reveal the meaning behind this uncrackable encryption.

The real meaning of *lol* is…

Trim pubic hair.

THERE, I SAID IT.

Now get out of here, you vultures, constantly asking me about my secret To Do list codes.

You’ve got your story.



Remember to follow me on Twitter and Like the Facebook page.

10 May 2013For The Lolz, Life etc.1 Comment

EL Rob
6/12/2013

Having worked alongside you for a reasonable amount of time in the very recent past I can do little but confirm your fears.
Your mental defects are very real and painfully apparent to all.
A memo was discreetly circulated around the company before the commencement of your employment, warning us of the possible dangers a man of your deficiencies could pose.
I say ‘man’ but the reality is your mental state hovers somewhere between a choleric baby and a frantically masturbating monkey.
We did what we could to treat you as a productive member of the team. You were not. Except perhaps on occasion with your Twitter work but this should not be seen as any kind of positive validation. Justin Bieber has over 40 million followers. I need say no more on this front.
However, now that you have become self-aware of your own short-comings, and this is being kinder than any man need ever be, I no longer feel compelled to take part in this charade.
You have problems which you cannot ever hope to correct and were it not for the fear of the heightened physical strength those of your condition are purported to possess, we would laugh directly in your face upon every utterance which clumsily stumbles from your drool encompassed mouth.
The truth hurts but when all is said and done it is the truth and within it there may lie some beauty. But no hope.
Good day sir.

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