Before this Monday I’d never seen this show before (apart from that dancing scene). I decided to give it a go this week and I’ve already finished watching the first series. It’s brilliant.
It’s difficult to explain why I like it, it’s just so realistic or something, brilliant satirical writing. Ricky Gervais is really good in it - I never really rated him before, as his stand-up comedy show wasn’t all that great.
Well worth watching. And thanks to Joseph for persuading me into watching it.
Something that made me laugh this week :
This website - “Things My Girlfriend And I Have Argued About”.
Some classic examples of how woman can just be complete and utter mentalists at times.
I particularly enjoyed the following :
“I eat two-fingered Kit-Kats like I’d eat any other chocolate bars of that size, i.e., without feeling the need to snap them into two individual fingers first. Margret accused me of doing this, ‘deliberately to annoy her’. ”
“Wherever I’m standing is where Margret needs to be standing, and vice versa. Doesn’t matter where we are - the kitchen, the bathroom, Scotland - we each infuriatingly occupy the space where the other one wants to be, urgently. Over the years we’ve developed signals for this situation. Mine is to stand behind her and mutter under my breath. Margret’s is to shoulder-charge me out of the way.”
There’s a lot on there, so it’d be handy for anyone (particularly men) looking for something to read to waste some time (provided you’ve already dug through my archives on here).
Curses on :
My external hard-drive. Technically this is the hard-drive from my old laptop, just put into a caddy thingy. So now I want to use the 80gb for storing extra things or backing up my important files.
However, that bastard Mr. Vista, takes up a lot of space. I think between the Windows folder and the program files folder there’s about 30gb taken up. So obviously I tried to delete them two, but there’s some issue with permissions, and I can’t figure out how to delete them. I even tried a program called “Unlocker” which is really good for deleting locked files/folders, and that could do nothing.
Also, the hard-drive has a partition on it, which is just so fucking annoying. The computer picks it up as two separate 40gb hard-drives.
Anyone know how to sort this?
I’m pleased with :
College starts next week. Some friends from Wexford have settled into Halls in Dublin, and already it sounds like great fun. Timbaland is visiting Trinity college next week, and there’s rumours my beloved Pete Doherty will be too. Of all the people, my favourite musician!
I’ll be joining a lot of societies and all that, if even just to get the free stuff. You’ll be kept updated on here I imagine.
A pointless anecdote from this week :
I had a free house one night recently, on a Saturday night.
I took this chance to play a bit of music and get playing some bass along with it. Wasn’t at full volume or anything (my bass amp is only a pathetic 10w anyway). There I was, playing away to my little heart’s content, and I thought I heard a small noise. Looked on the ground and saw a pen, so presumed the cable just moved that or I stood on it or something, and carried on playing.
Then I heard another little noise. Stopped playing and muted the music, and went to see if someone had come home or something.
Heard the doorbell being rang.
Turned out it was half ten, I didn’t realise it had gotten so late. My neighbour had called in to politely ask me to turn it down, at which point I apologised profusely and asked him the time, and promptly felt like a bit of an arsehole when he looked at his watch and told me half ten. Thank Christ it was a Saturday night at least, which makes it a bit more excusable for breaking the unofficial 10pm noise curfew.
Moral of the story - keep an eye on the time when being loud.
Great guy/gal of this week :
The other day I had the nicest bus driver ever. I was the only person getting on the bus, and was using a ticket, so didn’t need to interact with the driver. I was holding the ticket quite visibly in my hand as I got on. I turned and went to put the ticket in the ticket device yoke, which meant I had my back to the driver.
Yet still, he greeted me really politely. Now this sounds like nothing, but it took me surprise. When I started using buses regularly I’d always be all polite and such, but after a while you tire of being pleasant when all you seem to get in return is a bus driver being a complete cunt right back at you.
Me : “How ya doin’? Town please, two euro *puts in money*”
Driver : ” *presses button and coughs* ”
Me : “Cheers mate”
Driver : ” *floors it* ”
Then as I went to sit down, some foreign girls were at front of the bus, to get off at the next stop. The bus driver (a Dubliner) was laughing and joking with them, which is rare for a bus driver driving a bus at rush hour. Then I caught his reflection in the driver mirror, and he was wearing such a cool pair of sunglasses.
He said thanks to every single person that got off the bus, which just doesn’t happen often at all.
That bus driver <3
Product/Service I like this week :
Converse shoes imitations. Got a cool pair of “fake cons” for €15 in New Look the other week, and they’re fastly becoming my favourite shoes - much more comfortable than the real thing. As a college student (albeit one who’s living at home) I have to control expenditure. I could have bought four pairs of these for the price it would have cost me to get the real ones.
A quote :
“When they kick at your front door, how ya gonna come? With your hands on your head, or on the trigger of your gun?
When the law break in, how ya gonna go? Shot down on the pavement, or waiting in death row?”
This is from the song “Guns Of Brixton” by The Clash. This is the only song (I think) where the lyrics were written by the bassist Paul Simonon. He sings on this song and swaps his bass for a guitar, and Joe Strummer takes over on bass duties. There’s some trivia for ya, right there.
More you say? Back in the days of The Libertines, Pete Doherty and Carl Barat were doing one of their infamous gigs in their own flat. The police were called, which happened regularly at these gigs. When the police came in, Pete ‘n’ Carl seranaded them with this song. That’s cool. End of.
Favourite song this week :
London Calling - by The Clash
While I’m talking about The Clash, I may as well give them the song of the week. This is one of their most popular songs. Often I hear it come on at a party or something, and get all excited and enthusiastic, and go up to whoever owns the iPod that’s playing :
“Didn’t know you liked The Clash!”
“What?”
“The Clash! This song!”
“Oh, nah, I only have this song, don’t know any of their other stuff”
“Oh right. I need a drink.”
Annoyingly, any good youtube videos I found of this had disabled embedding, so I’m only able to link to the song, which is here. When i first heard The Clash I didn’t like them at all, but they’re one of my favourite bands now, they really grew on me.
Anyone who’s ever played the game “Kerbs” (aka Kerbies) in their lifetime - stay tuned to this blog during the week.
When you’re cleaning your room. Doing a bit of a clean-up at the moment and have two things to show you all.
The first was actually given to me by my old class tutor last month. She’d managed to keep it for over a year.
In fifth year we were asked to write a small note saying why we think we deserve student of the year. At the time I considered my application quite hilarious, and obviously so did my tutor, if she kept it so long to give back to me after I’d finished school.
Here’s a picture of it anyway, before I type out the text :
Here’s what it says :
Dearest Ms Quirke - teacher, tutor and most of all - friend.
What makes a student of the year?
Is it test results? Is it performance in class? Is it kindness amongst peers? Is it the undeniable air of manliness he emits? Is it those eyes like two cystal clear pools of blue? Is it a sophisticated sense of humour, full of wit and satire? Is it that thing he has that just makes you smile? Is it his walk, his talk, his velveteen voice? His weird application for student of the year? Whatever is it, I got it.
Mark.
The day after I gave this to her, we had a free class. The teacher from next door came in to tell us to stop being so loud, saw me and said “I know some of you have velveteen voices, but do keep it down a bit”.
This next thing is something I found today, and it was from the second week of sixth year.
That second week we had a tutorial class (tutorial is to be said in the same way “Notorious” is said in that song by Notorious B.I.G - tutooorial!). We were all told to take out a piece of paper and write down how many hours of study we did, and then how many hours of socialising we did. Obviously one of those exercises to guilt us into studying.
Here was my effort :
Hours of Study : 0
Hours of Socialising : I was too wasted to remember them all.
Stuff like this makes you miss secondary school - it’s weird that I’m never going back.
Not that I’m trying my hand at music journalism or anything, but I’ve talked about this band enough on here, so why the hell not give a quick review of the album?
Edit : Actually, fuck this. I typed about two paragraphs of a review and got annoyed and deleted them - I didn’t like my review at all. Functional writing is not my thing. I’m just gonna fly through this.
Overall, it’s good, but not their best album. It needs more fast paced, rocking songs.
“Use Somebody” (track 4), “Revelry” (track 6), “Closer” (track 1), “Sex on Fire” (track 3), “Crawl” (track 2), “Cold Desert” (track 11) and “Be Somebody” (track 10) - all good songs.
I love the haunting “Whoo-hoo-oooh” Caleb does in “Revelry”. Great lyrics too.
However, there’s a few dodgy tracks. A song called “17″ (track 7) is pretty atrocious (fucking Christmas bells?!), and “I Want You” (track (9) is no great shakes either. Manhattan (track 5) seems well liked by everyone, but it didn’t do much for me, I’m not sure why. The last song for me to mention is “Notion” (track 8), which didn’t stick out in my mind, but now I’m listening to it with the intent of reviewing it, it’s actually pretty good vocally, and I like the bassline, but the piano is pretty ghey. Meh, it’ll do.
You’d think since I’m saying so many songs are good and so few are poor, that it’s a pretty good album. Well it is. Just not as good as their last one. I can play it right through and enjoy most of it, but there’s very few songs that actually make me stop and think “Woah, this is class”. It’s grown old on me already.
Earlier on I listened to the previous album “Because Of The Times” (the last two albums have pretty shite titles don’t they?) and much preferred it. Edgier and more longevity - as shown by the fact that I chose to play that ahead of the new one.
The latest effort came out fairly soon after the last one, and they’ve done a lot of touring in the meantime, so I was pretty surprised it came out so soon. They were never a band for hanging around between albums, but I can’t help but feel that if they took a little more time with this, we wouldn’t have songs with fucking Christmas bells on them, and we’d have some better, faster-paced rocking songs like the good old days on Youth And Young Manhood. Great first impression, but I imagine you’ll be bored after a few listens. I am.
I play bass myself, so tend to focus on the bass a lot more than anything else. Jared in KOL improves with every album (I think he was 15 years old when they made the first album) and I really love the sound of the Thunderbird bass he uses, so that’s a good point for me. Nathan on drums and Matthew on lead guitar are solid as always, but Caleb’s singing is really noteworthy on this album. He has such a distinctive voice, and seems to be stretching himself more and more.
Overall, good album, if a little too mellow for my liking.
Back on track this week, it’s Saturday afternoon as I type this!
My abstract distraction this week is :
Preparing for college.
And by preparing, I mean preparing to party!
It looks like TCD have some good things planned for Freshers’ week, namely a foam party and a silent disco. I’ve been wanting to go to one of these silent discos for ages!
From what I understand, you walk in, and the DJ is playing music that can be heard only on the wireless headphones you get in the place. So basically everyone is listening and dancing to music on headphones, but if you want to go chat to someone, merely take off the headphones and talk, without having to scream - beautiful!
Between all the drinking I think I’ll have to register and attend some lectures and shit, but who gives a bollocks about that?
The title and content speak for themselves. A very common thing was people urinating/defacating somewhere that wasn’t the toilet, but they thought it was the toilet.
One of my favourites was about a guy who came home, absolutely hammered. Goes up to his parents room, unzips his trousers and starts pissing all over his father in bed, then walks over to the wardrobe and opens it and is standing there when his parents ask him what the hell he’s doing.
“I’m washing me fuckin’ hands!” was his response.
I’d say breakfast the next morning was a barrel of laughs!
Curses on :
The downstairs laptop (ie, the family laptop) is broken. This means that today I’ve had to loan my beautiful lappy to family members so they could do ridiculous things like go on bebo or burn CDs. Don’t these people realise I have a blog to run?
And time to waste.
On bebo.
Now I also have to be the consultant for when we’re buying a new laptop. This is how the conversation usually goes :
“Mark, we just want something simple”
“Ah yeah I know, tell me your budget and I’ll find the best one”
“We just want to be able go online, send and receive emails and maybe burn CDs”
“Just the basics like, nothing fancy like you have”
“I think I understand you, yeah”
” *counts out on fingers* Internet, email, CDs”
“Alright, you do realise that any machine these days that didn’t do those things would be completely obsolete, and thus any laptop I buy new will of course be able to do those basic things?”
“About five hundred quid then”
“Grand”
I’m pleased with :
The weather gods listened to me. What did I say in last week’s post?
“The shitty cunty bastard motherfucking rain.
Just piss off.”
I’m currently typing this on a Saturday afternoon in my back garden, with a beautiful clear blue sky above me. Perfect weather for a beer.
Just like last week the weather was so bad you only had one option - go on the beer.
A pointless anecdote from this week :
I was in Tesco recently, buying beer which cost a total of €9.99. I knew the girl who was supervising the self service, and was chatting away to her while I used the thingy.
I put in a tenner, and walked off nonchalantly. “I don’t want no smelly one cent” says I.
Then I heard someone shouting after me. This kid (about 9 or 10 years old I’d say) I recognised from when I used to work in Spar, and he used to wreck my head. He’d come in with his twin brother and their friend and be all innocent and high-pitched while I was all hungover.
I kept walking out of the shop anyway.
“Excuse me!”
My thoughts : “Oh just leave me alone, you can keep the cent, go have a party with your friends with it, just let me leave without having to do the patronising pleasantries with you”
“Excuse me!”
My thoughts : “You incessant little bastard, now I’m going to have to turn around and take the stupid fucking one cent coin off you, then to make matters worse, I’m going to have to thank you for giving me it.”
So I turn around and try to look like I didn’t hear him call me the first two times.
“You left these behind”.
The kid holds out three ten euro notes.
I say thanks, take them, and stand there looking bemused and befuddled.
My thoughts : “That’s not right, even if I gave in a fifty by accident, which I definitely didn’t, there’d be €40 in change”
My malevolent thoughts : “Get the fuck outta here, you came with ten euro and you’re leaving with ten euro worth of beer and thirty euro. Run, you fool.”
My good boy thoughts : “This could be someone else’s money, give it to the girl working”
My malevolent thoughts : “Don’t listen to that tripe, you’re profiting here. For fuck’s sake man, run. RUN. Oh great, now the girl is coming over. I hope you’re happy, you worthless piece of shit. You’re some idiotic boob.”
My good boy thoughts : “And justice prevails”
Girl : “Is that your change?”
Me : “Eh, I don’t think so”
She holds out her hand.
“Do I have to?”
“Yes!”
Malevolent thoughts : “Ask her if she wants to split the money and nobody will be any the wiser”
Good boy thoughts : “That’s fucking stupid”
I gave her the money and left, deflated.
Malevolent thoughts : “I can’t quite describe the rage I feel right now”
Good boy thoughs : “Actually yeah, what were you thinking, you should have ran for it man”.
Great guy/gal of this week :
Girl on the bus yesterday. I was waiting for ages at the bus stop. Then when the bus came, I check my wallet and see no change. Bollocks. Why the fuck didn’t I check earlier? I always check as soon as I get to the bus stop. Why, on the one day I don’t have change, didn’t I check for change?
Wait, my bus ticket, I usually have a spare in my wallet.
Nope.
Bollocks!
I get on the bus without thinking and take out a fiver, and ask the girl getting on if she has any change.
“Even just two euro, and you can keep the fiver”
She takes out her purse and goes “Oh yeah!” and hands me five euro in coins.
“Aw thank you so much, I really appreciate it”
“No bother at all” and off she totters to her seat.
The funny thing is, just the day before, some chap was coming up to everyone on the bus trying to get change of a fiver. “What a fool” I thought. Then the next day, I was the fool.
That girl on the bus <3
Product/Service I like this week :
24hr petrol stations, fucking heroes.
I was out the other night, after a night in the pub, so obviously, I was rather drunk. Went up the petrol station :
“Yeah, ya got any free stuff? Sandwiches? Muffins?”
He walks off without a word, and comes back with three muffins in a bag. Proper big muffins. I put a euro through the window thing for his troubles, which was pretty stupid actually.
They were blueberry muffins, which was a letdown, (chocolate > blueberry) but with the secret ingredient of not having to pay, they were delicious.
A quote :
“If you can keep your head when all around you have lost theirs, then you probably haven’t understood the seriousness of the situation.“
Said by Ricky Gervais’ character David Brent in The Office. Readers may remember a few weeks ago I talked about the poem “If” by Rudyard Kipling, which is quite popular, and the first line of which is :
“If you can keep your head when all about you
Are losing theirs and blaming it on you…“
I haven’t watched the Office much, but having read that quote, I’m definitely going to.
Favourite song this week :
Rebellion (Lies) - by The Arcade Fire
Picking this song actually made me realise how long it’s been since I listened to Arcade Fire. They’re a great band, with a shitload of members and instruments. I only briefly saw them live at Oxegen ‘07 from great distance. The first time they came to Ireland I intended to get tickets, then came home from school on the day and was shocked to see they’d sold out. I didn’t know anyone else that liked them, so presumed they weren’t popular. I was majorly pissed off.
I’ve gone off them a bit, their second album was a bit of a let down for me, though it was still very good.
Anyway, this song is off their first album, and was always a favourite of mine.
Enjoy.
That’s all for this week. I’m pleased to get this one published before it’s even officially Sunday afternoon.
Those of you with a sharp eye would have noticed a post going up here on Tuesday night, then it was deleted again on Wednesday morning. Basically, I felt a bit dodgy about the post, as it could have come across as a bit offensive, and not as obviously tongue-in-cheek as my usual posts. The next morning I spoke to a few people about it, and while nobody was overly critical, I still wasn’t comfortable with it, so it’s gone. I may have another go of it sometime.
So on with this post.
I get pretty annoyed when in public places. Usually I can control this fairly well, but lately it’s escaping me more and more often.
This is mainly in the form of me cursing out loud. For example, the other day on the bus, a bunch of schoolkids got on. They take ages getting on, and absolutely pack the bus, so if you need to get off, you have to push by all the little bastards with their schoolbags.
Some of them went and sat at the back, and the rest were standing at the front. The rabble of conversation soon turned to boisterous shouting and screaming. The lads at the front screamed to the lads at the back.
“CRAIG, ROB GOT IN A FIGHT”
“HE WHA’?”
“GOT IN A FIGHT”
“WITH WHO?”
“CONOR”
“WHO WON?”
“KIND OF A DRAW”
“WHERE’S ROB?”
“UPSTAIRS”
“IS CONOR THERE?”
“DON’T THINK SO”
This went on for quite a while, and the whole bus soon knew all the gossip as these lads shouted up and down.
Then we got to the next stop.
And a whole new bunch of cunts were waiting to get on, hurrah!
“Oh for fuck’s sake” I said quite loudly. Then I thought - “Shit, did I say that out loud? I’m pretty sure I did. That aul’ wan beside me must be a bit unnerved”
This was the first occasion I did this sort of thing, it’s getting more regular now though. Particularly when I get stuck behind someone in town or in a shopping centre.
Anyway, I should be working on something, but felt bad about deleting that post, meaning it looks like I haven’t blogged since Sunday. Pitchforks were being sharpened, I had to do something.
Very late one this week, I’m just back from Wexford and I’m absolutely wrecked, it’s been a hectic few days. The show must go on…
My abstract distraction this week is :
My debs. This was on Friday night in the Red Cow in Dublin. To be honest I wasn’t looking forward to it that much, there’s a lot of effort involved and being the lethargic fool that I am, this doesn’t appeal. So I left it all until the last minute.
Got my suit on Thursday, I went in and bought one (there’s more about this in the Great Guy/Gal section) as I have a friend that spent €150 just to rent one, which seemed way too expensive for my liking. Since I’m going to college soon I figured a suit would be handy for formal events too, Trinity Ball for example. Found a good looking place (”Black Tie”) in town, and this followed :
“Hey, eh, I have my debs tomorrow”.
“Right, yeah.”
“And I have nothing and don’t really know anything, but I need to get a suit.”
“Right so.”
The chap was really good, measured me up (ooh!) and didn’t seem to mind how clueless I was with the whole thing. Got everything in there, black suit jacket and trousers, silver waistcoat, black tie, white shirt and then the cufflinks to match the dress of the girl I was bringing. All for €295, which I was delighted with.
The night itself was actually brilliant, I had a really good time and it was good to see some of my old teachers again. Shame on the ones that didn’t go!
Might throw some pictures up in a post in a while.
Good nights out lately. The debs on Friday was a great night, then the following morning I went to Wexford to see some friends. This was the closest I’ve come to a holiday this year so I was actually quite excited!
New Ross is a nice town anyway, and Spiders pub is my new home away from home. I gave my business card to a shitload of people down there that night (advertising when drunk is always a great idea of course).
And what’s even better is that I seem to have become immune to hangovers. Praise the lord.
A pointless anecdote from this week :
I saw someone being mugged the other day.
I was being driven into town and as we stopped at some traffic lights along the quays, I heard a rukus outside, looked and saw a chap running off with a woman’s handbag, and then a very disgruntled looking woman.
It’s weird when you actually see things like this in real life.
Thankfully I ran out of the car, apprehended the villain and returned the bag to the lady, who then declared me he hero and I picked her up and off we went.*
* This is a lie.
Great guy/gal of this week :
Jennie Parker. (Happy, bitch?) Jennie has been after this coveted spot for a while, and finally she’s gotten it.
Jennie is a friend of mine from Wexford. Anytime we’ve met up it has ended in the consumption of a lot of alcohol. As she’s quite the sociable little minx, I thought she’d be great to bring to my debs (she’s been to several others this Summer so she knows her stuff!) and of course, such a proposition was irresistible to her - she’s only human after all.
This is where she really earned the great gal award. Jennie came up on Thursday to Dublin to help me pick my suit.
Basically I get pissed off with shopping, so if I went to buy a suit on my own I’d get annoyed and just grab the first one I saw and hope for the best. Jennie stopped this happening, and helped me decide what colour things to get and generally was excellent in helping me buy the thing.
She then scrubbed herself up really well for the debs the next night and the lulz were had by all.
I went back to Wexford with her the following morning and met up with some other folk I know down there. Lulz were had by all.
Jennie, I hope you’re happy (”I better get the great guy slash gal for this!”) and thanks again for all your help. And you’re welcome for all the alcohol.
Product/Service I like this week :
Bus Éireann.
I’d never been on these sort of buses before, because living in Dublin I rarely need to go beyond the Dublin Bus service.
However, for a three hour journey, it cost me only €13 for a return ticket.
I pay two fucking euro to get from my home into Dublin City.
A quote :
“If you’ve lost your faith in love and music, the end won’t be long”
From my beloved Pete Doherty, in the song “The Good Old Days” by The Libertines. This is a great song that I was listening to just as I came in tonight, and it’s a lyric I’ve always liked.
Favourite song this week :
Use Somebody - by Kings Of Leon
KOL are one of my favourite bands, and this is off their new album which is yet to be released (legally). Anyway, I mentioned this song last week, and I reckon it’s gonna be quite a big hit.
The way Caleb sings in this song just sounds great and is so catchy.
You know when you’re out somewhere, and for no reason whatsoever, you get a weird urge or impulse to do something weird and possibly violent. Like someone walking by you is talking on their phone or something, and they’re chattering away, all annoying and happy, and you just want to grab the phone off them and throw it as far as you can and then punch them in the face and storm off.
Anyone else get this sort of thing?
Example 1 : The other day I was on the bus, and sitting by the window. We were about a hundred yards from the bus stop, and I saw two women do that hilarious thing where they look at the bus, focus on it for a few seconds to see what bus it is, then their face drops as they realise it’s the bus they need, and they’re not quite at the bus stop. In this moment of panic you forget everything else in the world. All you can think about is getting that fucking bus. It’s all in slow motion as you run and flail your arms about in the hope that the bus driver will spot you and wait for you. Even though there’ll probably be another one coming in about five minutes, you run for that bus like it’s the last fucking bus out of a city that’s soon to be bombed.
So their faces dropped.
And they ran.
And they flailed.
And they seemingly screamed in what would have been a ridiculous attempt to verbally inform the driver of their intentions to get the bus.
They looked like they were going to beat us to the bus stop, and thus, be able to get the bus.
Then the urges came. The little malevolent man within me gave me the instructions and I had to fight with all my might to resist them. More than anything in the world I wanted to scream to the driver “WHATEVER YOU DO, DON’T STOP. I’LL GIVE YOU EVERY PENNY I HAVE IF YOU JUST KEEP DRIVING”.
I would have loved to have seen those women’s faces if the bus didn’t stop for them. Their epic sprint to the bus stop, making themselves tired, out of breath and foolish looking - For it all to be in vain? Oh how I’d have laughed!
But sadly, the bus stopped for them, they got on, and I sat quietly at the back, laughing on the inside at what could have been.
Example 2 : In town last weekend, outside a fur store, there were these lads protesting, all standing outside, holding signs. Police were nearby, keeping an eye on them. The protesters stood silently and looking angry. I went for a better look at their signs and they had images of the cruelty animals suffer so fur clothes can be made. A good cause for protest? Yes. An opportunity for hilarity? Darn tootin’!
I wanted, more than anything, to go buy a big extravagant fur hat and coat, put them on and casually walk up to the protesters with a look of innocent curiosity.
“Oh my, what’s all this commotion then gentlemen?”
Sadly, I merely walked on and shopped for shoes (But of course, the only fucking pair that I liked weren’t in stock in my size).
Example 3 : Shopping again. I just about to walk into a store, and a family of two parents and their little daughter were leaving. The father went through the door first, but as the mother and daughter (about 8 years old I’d say) were passing through the door, the alarm system went off. The embarrassment of this is horrible. Everyone looks around to see the thief and hopefully witness a bit of commotion. This time it was quite obvious that there was no stealing, and the girl and her mother looked utterly innocent and befuddled.
Then the urge came.
I just got this image in my head of me screaming and violently rugby-tackling the little girl. “I GOT HER! HERE SHE IS, THE THIEVING LITTLE COW!” Then as the security guards would come over looking horrified at what I’d done, I’ve give ‘em a little pat on the shoulder and say “No need to thank me” and take my leave, strutting heroically.
Any readers who are regular internet forum readers may have seen this sort of thing.
There was a thread on the Football365 forum (which I mentioned a Sunday post) about One Night Stands. Everyone was getting into it, contributing hilarious stories, and it was a classic thread all round. Here was my post (on the 8th page!) :
“Last summer on holiday in America, I’d just had an argument with some mates and we each stormed off on our separate ways to cool off.
I found a nice little park bench, and sit down to chill out, enjoy the sun, and admire the local talent (there was plenty). After a while this typical “barbie” type of girl comes and sits down beside me. Bright blonde hair, gorgeous rack, tight shorts showing off her pins, absolute quality she was. She’d been jogging and was breathing quite heavily, which was pretty So there I am trying to make sure little [my forum username was here] doesn’t get too excited, and she starts chatting to me. Very nice girl, the accent was a bit annoying but she was actually a lot smarter than she looked, and we had some stuff in common, particularly in music (she loved RATM ) which surprised me.
After a while, it’s getting into evening time, and she notes how we’ve been talking for over an hour.
“Really?” I say.
“Time flies…” she replies, with a cheeky smile which gave me that feeling of “hold on a minute, could I be in here?”
She says she’s got a ton of [some American dish, I can't remember the name, I was more focused on calming my erection] at home, if I’d like to sample it.
I try to keep cool and hide how utterly I am at this. She tells me lives nearby so we start walking. She grabs my hand as we walk and is playfully tickling my palm. I seriously can’t believe my luck.
As we’re walking I hear a little commotion behind me, so after trying to ignore it for a while, I eventually risk ruining the mood, and say, “What the hell is going on?” and turn around, when a couple of guys who were up to no good started makin’ trouble in my neighborhood.
I got in one little fight and my mom got scared and said, “You’re movin’ with your auntie and uncle in Bel Air” I whistled for a cab and when it came near the license plate said fresh and it had dice in the mirror if anything I could say that this cab was rare but I thought, “naw forget it yo home to bel air!”
I pulled up to the house about 7 or 8 and I yelled to the cab, “yo home smell ya lata!” I looked at my kingdom I was finally there to sit on my throne as the prince of Bel Air”
Here’s an explanation of the whole thing, for anyone who doesn’t quite understand it.
it went down quite well anyway, a few people quoting it saying how much they laughed or whatever. I’ve been waiting years to do a good Fresh Prince’ing!
The new Kings Of Leon album. Seriously, it’s class. Watch out for the song “Use Somebody”. It will be massive, and eventually overplayed until we’re all sick of it. But for now, it’s class.
Something that made me laugh this week :
On this thread on the Football365 forum, the first reply was just simple but effective. The thread was titled “How long do you have to wait for an accurate pregnancy test result?“. And basically the guy was expressing his concern that his significant other might be pregnant. Quite a serious issue.
The first reply - “9 months”.
Curses on :
This “Debs” business. For anyone that doesn’t know, the debs is like the Irish form of the American prom. Mine is this Friday, and I haven’t done a fucking thing for it. Nothing is arranged, nothing is planned, nothing is prepared.
I’m too laid back about this kind of thing, all too ready to leave it all until the last minute.
I did get a haircut today though. That was nice.
I’m pleased with :
Getting lots of potential blogging material.
Actually going out and doing things in the outside world lets me see all sorts of different things and people. My mind analyses and overthinks almost every little thing I see. I now have a draft message in my phone that I update whenever some minor thing happens that I could blog about. Sad, I know, but absolutely necessary.
Who wants a sample of some of this message then?
I write as little as possible, just enough for me to remember whatever happened, so if a stranger were to look at the message, it’d make no sense whatsoever. Here’s a taster anyway :
” “Nothing’s as natural as milk.” Annoying couple. Biddy brigade.”
Oh there’ll be some classy posts on here over the coming weeks, can’t you tell?
A pointless anecdote from this week :
I was in town yesterday. You always see performers or buskers or whatever dotted around the place. As I walked by a McDonald’s I noticed a large crowd gathered around watching something, loads of people had their phones out, recording it. Would someone really be allowed perform right at the entrance?
I went over to take a look, and saw some chap, about 40 years old, absolutely plastered drunk, staggering slightly and making these pathetic fighting gestures. I turn to some lads beside me - “What are we watching here?”
“This chap, he’s fuckin’ ourravit”
“Are we really all gathered here just to watch this guy make an idiot of himself?”
“Yeah man.”
“He’s gonna wake up tomorrow with some hangover, and then see himself all over youtube.”
Anyway, on I went, did a little shopping. On my way back I saw the guy being forced into a Garda car. Some of his audience cheered as he went. Shamefully, I found that funny. Perhaps this guy should have been in the Great Guy/Gal section?
Great guy/gal of this week :
The hilarious commenter who left about 5 comments in the space of ten minutes the other night. Let’s take a look shall we?
“riveting stuff Mark…truly your finest piece of work, even if i do say so myself…”
“another fine piece of work…much like yourself Mark “
“Mark, you are truly an inspiration to us all…your inspiration gives me perspiration”
“Oh God…i’m getting wet just reading that…”
“I want you to be inside of me “
Best comments ever? I think so. I particular liked the slow progression from a passing compliment to full on sexual penetration requests.
Product/Service I like this week :
Google Chrome. Good ol’ google, is there anything they can’t do?
Chrome is a new web browser anyway. I’m married to Firefox really, and have been having a happy affair with Opera for a while. Internet Explorer was my first ever relationship, but it didn’t last long, and we were both very inexperienced.
Chrome is seducing me at the moment, I’m not quite sure where this is headed, but it sure is exciting!
A quote :
You know my feelings: every day is a gift. It’s just, does it have to be a pair of socks?
That quote was said by Tony Soprano in the Sopranos. I’ve been watching so much of the show lately, I had to take a quote from it.
And finally,
Favourite song this week :
Fuck Forever - by Babyshambles
Oh my beloved Babyshambles. My beloved Petey. This is one of the first songs I ever heard by ‘Shambles, and I still love it.
I like the video too, with the old guitarist, Pat Walden, pulling the girl in the cinema. That bit of dialogue between them at the start is brilliant.
Love the lyrics in this song.
“Oh you know about that waaaay? The way they make you paaaay…”
Enjoy.
Sorry that this post is short and pretty shit, but there should be some good posts in the coming days.
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